Battlefield of the Mind

Today is 3 weeks since my surgery. I still have some pain, the exhaustion is the worst and hanging on the hardest. But overall, Im doing well physically. I cant use my arm until 6 weeks, no lifting and the exhaustion makes it so I can only do something for about a half hour before Im winded. Taking a shower, a load of laundry, a stack of bills…when Im done I need to lay down. I find myself having to lay down several times during the day to regain energy and I need at least 8 hours sleep to feel even mildly refreshed.But the physical part isnt the hardest. Although the first week and half was living on heavy duty pain medicine because it was that bad.Anyhow, the newest problem is mental. Well its not really new. The battlefield the mind starts with the diagnosis. The anger, sadness, denial, fear, etc grip you very well. But then you switch over to thankfulness it was discovered mode,happy there is a way to live normal and get old, you feel the need to live your life to the fullest because you got a second chance. You get that victory cry like “Yeah!!! Im going to live, I got shit to do and places to go! RAHHHHHHH!!!!” The battle is won! Not really. Then you switch back to “this blows, why did this happen to me?” The fear and anger and resentment is back and winning the battle. I get a good nights rest and wake up to sunny skies and smiling kids and say “I got this! Its a piece of cake” the battle switches back to me winning. And then the dark night comes and the quiet and you stare at the ceiling with tears in your eyes hating it. The battle is back on the other side of the field. Day in and day out, I win, BrS wins, back and forth, back and forth, like a damn ping pong game. Where the hell is the white flag being waved indicating a truce? When does the peace treaty get signed and smoke clears the battlefield? Well its only been 3 weeks so Im assuming its not anytime soon. I keep waking and fighting the fight. I think once Im out of the “recovery” period, the war will end. Right now, while on vacation,I cant do anything. Im tired, its cold, Im down. Im still a patient just resting in bed or on a couch in a new location so vacation isnt changing much. If anything it’s infuriating me all the more because I should be having fun, riding horses, taking walks, enjoying the mountain air but I cant. The terrain is filled with trees broken down and huge rocks. I cant risk falling so sitting by the lake is out because its a very rocky road.Its damn near impossible to get there. Horses are a no go. Walks…yeah right. my shower exhausts me. So I sit here and read my mafia book and have a deck of cards and coffee like a 90 year old guinea. Yes, I called myself a guinea because Im Italian and it doesnt offend me and I can call myself whatever I want. Ok, whats my point, Im rambling. My point is I THINK, the battle will be over when recovery is over. For the next 3 weeks Im still a recovering heart patient. But AFTER that, I can dance, ride horses, garden, cook, clean and be Alicia. Right now Im a patient and I want to be Alicia. I think all this takes time, a lot of mental anguish and time to heal all wounds, pun intended. Im letting my mind hash out all this crap until my 6 week mark. But then I do intend to jump back into life with more fervor and appreciation. Maybe at some point I can love my ICD. Maybe someday I can be like Al Pacino in the movie Scar Face and pat it and call it my “little friend”.LOL! For now, I look at it, hate it, feel like it stole something from me, and the scar makes me feel like frankenstein. I usually see in the mirror a pretty face with nice makeup applied and long dark hair and a nice figure. ALL I SEE is this DAMN SCAR! I know it will change. Ill get used to it.It will take time. How much time I dont know. The white flag indicating peace and truce WILL wave in the air someday. But not yet…

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jane Burns
    Mar 26, 2013 @ 14:40:14

    Such a great read Alicia, well done! xox


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